Loneliness and Homesickness

It's 6AM. Yes, I know. I have class in a few hours, but my roommate's scratching woke me up. Not her snoring, but her scratching ... WTF? Yeah, I'll write about that another time. Not quite sure if she realizes how ridiculously loud her scratching is, but I can hear it from our living room.

I just spent the past 20 minutes in the living room crying my eyes out. No one has any idea how depressed, lonely and homesick for the 'Dome I am. How homesick I am for a familiar face, a face that understands who I truly am and who understands the journey that I have traveled to reach where I am today. Those who I have met at Toledo tend to perceive me as an extremely organized, hard-working, driven, mature, uptight, snobby, overachieving student with straight A's who has everything together in her life. Yeah, I mistakenly overheard a "friend" describing me as "uptight and snobby." < shaking my head >

The Lisa that hosted parties next to the rectress's room is uptight? The Lisa who had a list a mile long of guys she had hooked up with or had one night stands is uptight? The Lisa that drank 10+ shots under an hour, chugged half a bottle of vodka, and ended up in the hospital with an IV up her wrist is uptight? The Lisa charged with a misdemeanor for "Minor In Consumption" is uptight? The Lisa that appeared before the Office of Residence Life and Housing Disciplinary Committee office four times? The Lisa that was almost in danger of being expelled from Notre Dame? No one at Toledo realizes how vulnerable I am, and no one truly understands the circumstances that have shaped and molded me into the much more serious person that is standing before you today. No one here understands the journey I've taken to get where I am ... all the drinking, all the wrecklessness and carelessness, all the wildness, all the promiscuity, all the incidences with ResLife, all the depression, all the bottles of Nyquil I used to literally chug in order to sleep and numb myself from the pain.

Although I have made friends here, I wouldn't truly classify them as "friends." Perhaps more as "acquaintances" or "study buddies," yet no real friends yet. It seems much easier for men as in friends are those they simply hang out with, not necessarily delving deep into an emotional relationship or feelings. Yet it is a different situation for women, as Laura and I were relating earlier tonight. A friend is someone with whom I form a deep connection, who I can confide to and who truly understands. And I haven't seem to find it yet ... and that's what makes me feel so incredibly lonely at such a place as Toledo.

I'm trying to be strong. I really am, but it is hard. I miss everyone incredibly much. Leo - his love. J^2 and K, McGlinn girls - their teasing, and the sisterhood. Laura - my better half, the hours of confiding. Laurel - the support and understanding, everyone's cheerleader. Linds, Tina - always for a fun time. Tristan - always my hero. Chaz - Chinese, the randomness. Zach - oh the white cracka. Joey - such serious conversations. Andrew - such a computer dork, yet endearing nerdiness. Paul - my younger brother. Thien-An - all the advice and hours listening. Vincent - always a place in my heart. Anie - hardworking, goals. Chris - actually valuing my opinion and advice. Huyen, Jean, Thao - VSA, Momma Li Tra. Vinh - understanding, open-mindedness, venting. Anne - Asian Allure. Vince - the strength. Priscilla - surrogate mother. Mike - late night studying, the secrets. Legends Staff - all the talks at work. Aaron, Maureen - respect. Chris - teasing, laid-back. Kateri, Meredith, Sarah, Bonnie, Arkies - acceptance, late-nights. AAA - family and community. I realize I am perhaps omitting a number of people, yet it's late (early?) ... but I do miss you too.

Trying to make everyone proud of me. Trying to be strong. But it is hard ...