Day 3

How things can change within the span of one week. Exactly a week ago Leo and I were at Bengal Bouts. And a week later, we're broken up. I can't get my mind off of Leo. I want to call him to see how he's doing, to see where he is on his roadtrip, how his visit with Zach's little brother went, how Pittsburgh was ... but I'm trying to resist the urge. Leo said he needed his space, and I'm trying to give that to him. It's tearing me apart to give him what he wants. The ball is in his court ... and I'm waiting for him to call me.

Yet every little thing seems to remind myself of him. Laura drove out from Philly to spend the night with me, and I took her to Hershey Chocolate World and the Hershey Outlets. And it reminded me of when he visited during Fall Break our senior year. I thought of his monkey pose near the jungle trees along the ramp to the ride. He would've been excited about how Hershey Chocolate World has completely renovated their ride. He would've loved the pictures of the cows. Seeing the clothing reminded me of the shirts he bought for himself. Seeing the Van Heusen outlet reminded me of how we went shopping for sweaters for him. And seeing Brooks Brothers reminded me of the credit card holder I bought him for Valentine's Day. Is that the last present I'm ever going to buy him?

I'm much better now. I was a complete and utter mess on Wednesday. Bits and pieces of the entire day continues to replay in my mind on instant repeat. Every time I remember the image of Leo with tears in his eyes, every time I remember hearing him sobbing hard as I'm holding him ... I start hurting all over again. Leo and I have never been as desolate as that evening together. It's difficult ... watching a relationship end.

On the train ride home, and once I got home on Thursday ... every little thing was setting me off to start crying. Zach's voice message on my cell phone sent me sobbing in the middle of the train, and I had to lock myself in the bathroom until I could stop crying 20 minutes later. I pulled out the box of momentos I've kept from our relationship together, and I cried over ever single one of them. The box used to be an "ex-boyfriend" box, but I had thrown out the old memories and turned it into a "Leo" box. It contained little things that would have no significance to anyone else, but means everything to me and him. The little superhero toy boy that he "supposedly" got from the little boy from visiting the pyramids. The "presents" and "flowers" he drew for our first month anniversary. The maps from when we visited Chicago, spent the entire time trying to figure out how to get up to the Museum of Science and Industry for the Da Vinci exhibit, and ended up at the Aquarium. The notes we used to pass back and forth when we studied on the 8th floor of Hesburgh Library. Plane tickets from Fall Break and Spring Break. The tickets to the Tartuffe play we went to the first month we started dating. The card attached to the flowers he got me for our first Valentine's Day. A pressed flower from the first bouquet of flowers he ever got me. The ticket to the Senior Formal. The "Do Not Disturb" sign from the Marriott Hotel we stayed at before he left for Rome. The Meet Me On The Island tickets to the Jazz Concert we went to that weekend.

How can I get over the memories? Memories that I had long forgotten even existed come back to haunt my thoughts. How could he forget? He promised me he wouldn't. How can he not remember everything we had together? How could he have held me, told me he loved me, yet in the same breath tell me that love isn't enough? How is he doing this to me? To us?

It hurts. More than I have ever been hurt. And I'm scared. More scared than I have ever been scared. He said that I'm the strong one now. So I have to be strong now. For him. For us.

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I love you and I miss you. I'll wait for you.