Sadness

A thousand questions running through my mind that I want to ask him. Yet I won't. In my mind, it seems perfectly logical and simple for us to get back together. That is how it has always been between us ... Leo and Lisa, together. It feels right, more right than anything. Yet his haze of uncertainty about his future is clouding his vision and confusing his mind.

It has been a rough and difficult couple of days. The first couple of days after the breakup, I was completely and utterly heartbroken. I am thinking less emotionally nowadays and more rationally concerning the situation. It seems that I've progressed past the "heartbroken, crying my eyes out" stage, and all I feel is sadness. Not loneliness or pain or heartbreak, but an overall sadness.

Breakups Hurt Too

"I think that if you can remember what a person meant to you, and hold on to that feeling, I think you can survive a time like this." - Tommy Donnelly

Not quite the death of Huey Mulligan on The Black Donnellys, but breakups hurt too.

Strength Vs. Family

I am trying to be strong, to take care of myself. It's hard when I am with my family. All my vulnerabilities become exposed, and all my confidence becomes shattered. Torn down to the insignificant scared whimpering poor excuse for a life little girl that I always revert to when I am at home.

Day 3

How things can change within the span of one week. Exactly a week ago Leo and I were at Bengal Bouts. And a week later, we're broken up. I can't get my mind off of Leo. I want to call him to see how he's doing, to see where he is on his roadtrip, how his visit with Zach's little brother went, how Pittsburgh was ... but I'm trying to resist the urge. Leo said he needed his space, and I'm trying to give that to him. It's tearing me apart to give him what he wants. The ball is in his court ... and I'm waiting for him to call me.

Yet every little thing seems to remind myself of him. Laura drove out from Philly to spend the night with me, and I took her to Hershey Chocolate World and the Hershey Outlets. And it reminded me of when he visited during Fall Break our senior year. I thought of his monkey pose near the jungle trees along the ramp to the ride. He would've been excited about how Hershey Chocolate World has completely renovated their ride. He would've loved the pictures of the cows. Seeing the clothing reminded me of the shirts he bought for himself. Seeing the Van Heusen outlet reminded me of how we went shopping for sweaters for him. And seeing Brooks Brothers reminded me of the credit card holder I bought him for Valentine's Day. Is that the last present I'm ever going to buy him?

I'm much better now. I was a complete and utter mess on Wednesday. Bits and pieces of the entire day continues to replay in my mind on instant repeat. Every time I remember the image of Leo with tears in his eyes, every time I remember hearing him sobbing hard as I'm holding him ... I start hurting all over again. Leo and I have never been as desolate as that evening together. It's difficult ... watching a relationship end.

On the train ride home, and once I got home on Thursday ... every little thing was setting me off to start crying. Zach's voice message on my cell phone sent me sobbing in the middle of the train, and I had to lock myself in the bathroom until I could stop crying 20 minutes later. I pulled out the box of momentos I've kept from our relationship together, and I cried over ever single one of them. The box used to be an "ex-boyfriend" box, but I had thrown out the old memories and turned it into a "Leo" box. It contained little things that would have no significance to anyone else, but means everything to me and him. The little superhero toy boy that he "supposedly" got from the little boy from visiting the pyramids. The "presents" and "flowers" he drew for our first month anniversary. The maps from when we visited Chicago, spent the entire time trying to figure out how to get up to the Museum of Science and Industry for the Da Vinci exhibit, and ended up at the Aquarium. The notes we used to pass back and forth when we studied on the 8th floor of Hesburgh Library. Plane tickets from Fall Break and Spring Break. The tickets to the Tartuffe play we went to the first month we started dating. The card attached to the flowers he got me for our first Valentine's Day. A pressed flower from the first bouquet of flowers he ever got me. The ticket to the Senior Formal. The "Do Not Disturb" sign from the Marriott Hotel we stayed at before he left for Rome. The Meet Me On The Island tickets to the Jazz Concert we went to that weekend.

How can I get over the memories? Memories that I had long forgotten even existed come back to haunt my thoughts. How could he forget? He promised me he wouldn't. How can he not remember everything we had together? How could he have held me, told me he loved me, yet in the same breath tell me that love isn't enough? How is he doing this to me? To us?

It hurts. More than I have ever been hurt. And I'm scared. More scared than I have ever been scared. He said that I'm the strong one now. So I have to be strong now. For him. For us.

*************************************
I love you and I miss you. I'll wait for you.

Break Up

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hand
And watch you rise

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses ride unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Unitl you know the way it feels to fly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

He broke up with me. He needs to take care of himself. Without me. God, I can't stop crying. It hurts so much inside.

Colorgenics

Amazingly Accurate!

http://www.paulgoldin.com/colorgenics.htm

You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image. You need for those people in positions that matter to recognise your potential and to acknowledge you.

You wear your heart on your sleeve and since you are an emotional person you are apt to give your all - heart and soul - to all those that show you a little affection; but take care - it would appear that you have been extremely hurt in the past and you keep leaving yourself wide open for punishment.

Matters have not gone well for you. You are experiencing severe stress trying to guard yourself from further disappointments. It would seem that all of your hopes and dreams have not been realised and you are now beginning to doubt yourself. You no longer wish to be further advised by anyone and you insist on going it alone - to control your own destiny. Even though deep down you doubt whether things will get better in the future you have one consolation - and that is that they couldn't possibly get worse. Unwilling to give up anything that you possess, you are looking for some sort of security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position and prestige. You are so negative that you tend to exaggerate your problems and refuse to accept any advice from so called well-meaning friends.

Whatever you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong and you are now quite convinced that there is little point of formulating new objectives and it is this belief that has resulted in the stress and anxiety. You would like to be able to communicate with other people who think as you do. At this time there seems to be no-one on the horizon nor is there any prospect of meeting anyone in the immediate future. But it must be said that you are really a 'trier' and indications are that you will, as indeed you have in the past, 'bounce back'.